I'll probably never get a husband if I keep offering to pay for shit.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009 at 8:24PM I was an avid fan of Cosmo magazine at an inappropriate age. When my parents were still paying for subscriptions to Teen, I was begging for The Bible to turn up in our mailbox each month. When I had finally complained my way into my very own subscription, I was more than annoyed each time it showed up in the checkout lane magazine rack before I had it in my smutty little hands at home. I took the quizzes and made mental note of all the sex tips and tricks. At school, my friends and I would compare notes and opinions. It never occurred to me that A) our teachers could hear or B) if you’re also carrying around prom dress magazines, you should probably not also have a copy of a magazine that blatantly references sex about 4 times on each cover.
I graduated high school (without ever using the majority of those tips and tricks. Also without getting pregnant, connection perhaps?) and realized that a few things about college life were no longer conducive to magazine subscriptions. Actually I doubt I ever actually realized this because I was busy drinking or throwing pumpkins off of high places or watching Disney movies my first year of college. But the combined effects of regularly changing addresses and no money meant I fell out of the slut magazine audience. Besides, how many articles can one read with secret sex tips/fantasies/confessions before they sort of all start to repeat each other? 10? 20? 42? Also I lived in a dorm full of other 18 and 19 year old girls so really, I had free access to any tips or tricks I may have needed.
I was pretty okay rejoining the uninformed, apparently sexless masses. In one of those “I don’t know what to get you for Christmas” moments, I ended up receiving a year’s subscription to Cosmo. From my grandma. (This is actually misleading because my mom took over the job of buying Grandma’s Christmas presents for the grandkids this year. Magazine subscriptions galore!) My first issue arrived today, the day before my 23rd birthday and I’m sort of realizing that uh, what the f, Cosmo? You are totally setting women back a few years. Or at least brain cells.
In a literary masterpiece entitled “50 Guy Phrases Translated” (I haven’t made it to the page that teaches me about the 8 things in my closet that make me look “chunky.” The 8th thing is probably the cake.) author Bethany Heitman tells her readers that, in the dating world, asking to split the check REALLY means “I’m not into you.” Oh.Well...Shit.
I would like to give the high school version of myself credit enough to believe that I would not have believed this crap then either. But I find it pathetically laughable now. Apparently Bethany Heitman hasn’t been paying much attention to the current state of the economy. Or, you know, that day women got the right to vote and were even allowed to work out of the home and make their own money! A few pages later, we’re also given breakdowns of playing hard to get and the different levels, from Too Hard to Not Hard Enough, with the apparent ideal being Just Hard Enough. Apparently I would be playing the appropriate amount of hard to get if I only agree to last minute plans every so often. Oh. Oops?
Oh Cosmo. I think you need to dust off your Spice Girls CDs and take a look around. Women are wearing pants now!
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Reader Comments (9)
yes, Jess (and i can call you Jess, because i know you IN REAL LIFE)... another flawless piece of blog mastery.
I, TOO, find it odd that you have a subscription to Cosmo. Maybe your dad should pick out the gifts from now on. You're an Iowa Review girl, not a Cosmo girl.
And happy birthday, tomorrow. You're almost old enough to be a New Yorker girl haha. Yuck, don't ever let that happen. Pretension and Ben Gay carry the same scent.
Don't you also love the cute little nicknames the writers give our genitals? Like "va-j-j"? UK magazines are worse... I remember reading an article about a group of girls who all got breast implants together and it immediately made their lives better. Who knew!
P.S. YM was my personal favorite.
I too was reading Cosmo at the tender age of probably shouldn't be reading this. Somehow emerged pregnancy free as well. Perhaps that was the trick? Live vicariously through the glossy pages of Cosmo and you'll survive.
Nice blog. I came by way of Dooce and I like your writing.
Wait... you mentioned the Spice Girls because of their GIRL POWER message, right? Not because you were mocking them?
Anyway, I'm all about going dutch. (Or alternating turns, which just means less math.) Nothing in life can be perfectly equal, but how about just fair? Because if I refuse to pick up the check for a guy, doesn't that mean I'm just not that into him?
this is hilarious. i can completely relate. i'm glad there are more people out there who laugh at dedicated Cosmo readers behind their back. even if i asked my dad if i could grab a movie with a guy friend he would throw money at me and say EMILY DON'T YOU DARE LET A BOY PAY FOR YOU, EVER!!! IF YOU DO YOU'LL GET KNOCKED UP IMMEDIATELY AND HATE YOUR LIFE FOREVER." haha thanks dad. not only did I too manage to not get prego thru high school, managed to scare boys away until i was well into college :)
Kristan, I would never dream of mocking the Spice Girls! You're talking to someone who not only saw Spice World in the theater, but owned the movie on VHS. And don't even get me started on the SATC "he's just not that into you" movement. Puh-lease.
I like the idea that COSMO has somehow fallen off the current bandwagon... I think you may be on to something...
I don't read COSMO - because when I did - I was, like you, in highschool and searching for some information that I wasn't getting anywhere else. Now, I can only imagine what it is that I can learn from them....
What really turned me off is an article where they interviewed men on turnoffs... One man said something to do with why women should "shave their carpets..." and all I could think of was "There's the last man on earth I'd ever date... because I never step in puddles that shallow.
Cheers to you - great post.
We just talked about this at my work yesterday...
Girls Read Teen Magazine when they were 8
Girls Read Seventeen Magazine when they were 13
And Girls Read Cosmo Magazine at 15
I still cannot believe there are comments printed in Cosmo from women claiming to be 30. I don't know anyone over twenty who would enjoy the magazine, or at least not find it mildly offensive. There are many things in my life I am unsure of at 28, but 101 ways to please my man, or 17 styles of BJ's are just not one of them.
I couldn't agree with you more that Cosmo totally sets women back at least 3-4 decades. And am also ashamed that I too used to buy into that BS. ahhh the shame!
I guess use your subscription as a guide of what not to do...at the very least it will provide some good subject matter to blog about!
Just found your blog...love your writing style!